Suck My Pianist (film)

Suck My Pianist is a 2009 Austrian pornographic film written and directed by [Directors Name here] and starring Dirty Vienna (Roderich Edelstein).

Plot
Hans Lebetwitz is a wealthy and high-status professional pianist, living the high life, when he is asked to tutor a young man, Lars. But, contrary to popular belief, the ever-so-polite and stoic Hans is a little less appropriate than originally thought, even as far to say that the pianist is a little slut in bed. Much to Lars' surprise, he's getting more than just a piano lesson, especially since Hans is very talented with instruments...

Official Critiques
"'I came into this thinking it would be something quite tame, and honestly, it blew me away, in the sense is was a lot less tame than I thought it would be. The setting was almost quaint, being simply about a pianist and a student. But of course, this is pornography, so it wouldn't be interesting unless one or more charachters was a complete whore. Or, in this case, man-whore. Honestly, this movie might have been improved by straying from the apparant modern norm, and including some damn girls."

"Hans is a surprisingly deep charachter, and I'm sad to say I felt for him. Which is probably rare in porn, to connect with a character. The reason I did was because I was touched by how he has two faced; the prim and proper, and the dirty part he hides until those certain times. I think we all have differant, hidden faces, unless you're my stupid brother. But seriously, in real life, he should have kept some shit buried deep, deep down, where nobody could find it, even if his sister wants to fucking pry and be a total bastard asking fucking questions because when I SAY nothing is wrong NOTHING IS FUCKING WRONG, OKAY?! SHUT UP ALREADY. I'm not sure he had a sister but he might have and if he did, she's almost as bad as he is, trying to sleep with drummers and watching 100-person orgies, what the HELL. Not that I'm like Hans in ANY way! Because I'm not a slut. But none of this relates to me, I'm not talking about myself."

"It's kind of weird how the setting is all about this demure guy and all. It seems more of a set-up for a story for girls. But then it's a gay film. So, in the end, they're only catering to femme homosexuals? I don't get it. But I don't think guys would like this much. It's too odd how it seemed to be set up for girls, there's no reason I can think up for a girl to be watching homosexual porn."

"The use of instruments was... intuitive. I'm guessing they had a lot of minds on the writer's block to come up with that kind of use for a tuba. But honestly, the segment with the clarinet reed just didn't seem natural. I don't think those things are very strong. It would have snapped off in there. I get that they were trying to get across that Lars was trying to be gentle with it, but they definately didn't use a real reed, they used something stiffer, and by the simple fact I can tell that means it loses authenticity."

"But damned if I couldn't NOT be impressed with the segment using the lute. I won't detail it here, because some people actually want to watch this filth, and don't want spoilers, but if you ARE one of those people, this is probably going to be the hilight of your fapping experiance. So enjoy.'" -Lovino Vargas

Other Reviews

 * It made me consider taking piano lessons.

- Berwald Oxensternia

''It made me consider making a porno with this handsome man who... looks a bit like me...?''

- Niran Rattanakosin

It made me want to stab my eyes out with a fork.

- Arthur Kirkland